The Colors of Fire
by Zinaly
Summary: I walked the Barren land of what was left from the fierce war. searching for any signs of the orange haired boy. Hoping I wasn't to late, that he hadn't died...Died without knowing of how much I loved him...how much I needed him... WARNING- YAOI oneshot


**Colors of Fire**

Renji's POV

My heart beat loudly in my chest, as I tried unsuccessfully to bring my Breathing back to a normal rhythm. No matter how hard I tried to prevent it, my breath continued to get caught in my chest with choking painful stabs that left me lying on the ground, barley able to withstand the pain. The proof of my injuries showing clearly as the pain of every breath shot up my spine.

I stood up slowly from the ground, attempting to ignore the painful stabs that cried out in protest. As I had sat there, crimson blood had quickly spilled from my wounds, forming a sickening puddle at my feet. The blood now staining my heavily torn and tattered robes. The robes that are worn by all Soul Reapers.

They once represented the ways of a Soul Reaper, are honor and dignity, and most importantly, our pride as Soul Reapers. But now they were a disgrace, the robes worn by our traitors, our enemies. Our once beloved Captains, who had turned against us in their sickening quest for power.

I had finally been able to stand, and immediately attempted to walk. I struggled at first, as the pain that coursed through my body intensified with my first few steps. I forced myself to continue onwards, despite the pain. I wouldn't let myself stop. Not until I found what I was looking for, until I found _who_ I was looking for...Until I found him.

I continued walking for a few more moments, my eyes gazing across the now barren land, a memory of the fierce war that had just taken place here. We had won, but at what cost? Being disconnected from the soul society, away from our allies, we were left on our own.

Our group now small and divided, and consisting mostly of humans. Humans that may have possessed spirit powers and high spirit energy beyond ordinary for their kind, but humans none the less. I would have sworn that we were done for, that we would all be killed.

I could remember every last detail of what had happened. Most of them had already been badly injured in the fight. Uryu and Chad already injured beyond the hope of returning to the fight. Even with the help of Hanatarou, the soul reaper from the 4th Division who, although useless at fighting was great at healing, and Orihime, the human girl who had attempted to heal them using her Spirit Fairies, still could not heal their wounds.

With all of them gone, there was none of us left in the fight except for the spare few. Rukia, my old friend from the soul society. Urahara, the strange man who was a soul reaper long ago, and former captain of the 12th division. Yoruichi, the female fighter who was both strong and wise. Myself, and of course, him.

Luckily, Yoruichi, with the help of Mr. Urahara, were able to open a portal back to the Human world, a chance for everyone to escape. Everyone, I agreed, except me. I would stay back and fight, give them all a chance to escape, even if it cost me my life.

I would protect the ones I cared about. I would stay behind and protect the two people that meant more to me than life itself. Rukia, my dearest friend, always there for me as a child, as our strange, mixed up family of lost and confused children. And, possibly the one thing more important to me right now then even Rukia, I would stay behind for him.

The one who changed me, the one that led me to not only want to fight to protect myself, but to protect others as well. The one that gave me the strength to go on, even when all seemed hopeless. Even though he knew nothing of my love for him, nothing of the way my heart crumbled at the sight of him. Nothing of the way I would do anything to ensure his safety. Yes, if he lived, it would all be worth it.

"Don't think he's going alone." I heard a voice call behind me. A familiar voice that rang in my ears, deep and low.

"I'm staying too. I have to, it's our only chance." I turned to face him, Zangetsu held ready in his hand and a determined look on his face. My heart broke at this, my one reason for wanting to stay behind, being torn apart at that very moment. Yet, I knew he was right. He was the strongest fighter, even stronger than me.

Not only was his spirit energy strong and powerful, but his sheer determination and unwillingness to give up made him lethal to anyone that stood in his way. He was the only chance of ever ending this, of the possibility of ever getting out of here alive. And so stay he did, as the others fled to safety, we turned to face this war alone.

I shivered at these memories, knowing that that may have been the last time I saw him alive. Remembering how we were forced to split up during the battle, and that last glance he gave me, before running off to fight, may have been the last time I got to look in his eyes.

I quickened the pace of my walking slightly, frantically searching for any sign of him. Would he be alive? What if he wasn't? What would I do then? Would I really be able to just return to the Soul Society as if nothing had happen? As if everything was alright, and that my heart and soul hadn't been ripped to pieces? No, I knew that would be impossible. If he was gone from this world, then so was I. I could not live in this world without him; he was my reason for life.

I don't know why I fell in love with him. It had caught me by surprise. I used to hate him; I blamed him as the reason that Rukia was supposed to be executed. I had actually believed that a human stealing a Soul Reapers powers was a reason for a Soul Reapers execution, when really it was all part of Aizen's evil plot. I remember the first time I felt something toward him other than hatred.

It was right after he had defeated me in are battle we had in the soul society so many months ago. I was supposed to defeat him and stop him on his quest to save Rukia. I thought him as a threat to the Soul Society and our way of life. He had defeated me easily, and it was then I saw in his eyes his great determination to save Rukia.

I saw his sheer selflessness in his act, seeing that he was willing to risk his life to save her. It made me feel guilty, knowing that a boy that had known her only two months, would go to such great lengths for her. Whereas I, her lifelong friend and family member, tried to prevent it. It made me sick of myself. I begged him to save her, knowing that if she ever had a chance at life, it was from this boy.

That was the first time I looked at him without hatred. The first time I saw an ally as opposed to a threat. Someone who would be a savior to all who resided in the Soul Society.

The next time that I would see him would be at Yoruichi's underground training ground. Where we both spent time working on achieving and perfecting bonkai. We worked through countless hours, and it was then I got to see the extent of his power. All the time I was there I could feel a strange inexplicable feeling in my heart, which I know now, was my emotions for him beginning to grow.

Soon after him saving Rukia, he had returned to the world of humans. I remembered the empty feeling in my heart when he left, on how I had grown used to him being around and enjoyed his presence.

Because of this I was inexplicably ecstatic when I was informed that I was to be transferred to his town in the human world to help protect it from soul reapers. There we quickly became friends, and although we fought a lot and were always in a competition with each other. It was clear to me that my previously unknown feelings were turning into I love I could neither understand, nor deny.

I smiled as my memory of him returned to me. I silently prayed that they would not be my only memories, and I once again quickened my pace in my search. I looked around frantically for him, looking for any sign of him.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of bright color, could it be? I looked in that direction, and sure enough off in the distance I could see a flash of bright orange color, and the figure of a person lying on the ground.

I walked closer towards the shape, the bright orange hair still standing out against the dark that surrounded it. As I approached, I stopped cold in my tracks, as I realized that the figure wasn't moving. Was I too late? I ran towards him, ignoring the pain that shot through me as I did so. I reached him and bent down beside him.

"Ichigo?" I called softly, worry and panic in my voice. No response.

"Ichigo!" I called louder this time, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him lightly, trying desperately to get a response. I gasped in surprise and relief as I saw him shudder slightly as he slowly woke from unconsciousness.

"W-What?" I heard him mutter, obviously confused about what was going on.

I leaned over towards him, letting him see my face, and that I was there.

"R-Renji?" He said as he saw me, some of the worry leaving his face.

"Hey,Strawberry" I said, using the nickname he was given by many, trying to keep my voice light, not letting my emotions show in my voice.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, again trying to keep my voice light and friendly, not letting the worry that was racking my heart show through to him.

"Uh, yeah, I think I'm okay" he said, attempting to sit up. I could hear the pain in his voice as he attempted to sit up, and the pained expression on his face showed that his injuries were hurting him.

He sat there for a few moments, accessing his injuries, wincing whenever he moved something that hurt him. I kept my distance, knowing if I got to close to him, I may do something I regretted, something that gave away my emotions.

He then attempted to stand. He got up slowly obviously trying to hide his pain from me. Almost like the way I was trying to hide mine from him. Except his was physical pain...whereas mine was tormenting emotional pain.

He had managed to stand, and now began to try and walk forwards. He got a few slow steps before beginning to fall.

"Whoa!" I shouted in surprise, as I lunged forwards to stop his fall. Grabbing his arms, and steadying him. I made sure he seemed stable and hesitantly let go of him, even though in my heart I didn't want to.

In my heart, I wanted to hold him there for the rest of eternity and never let go. But let go I did, and as I did so, I saw him collapse again, this time right into my chest.

I grabbed him instinctively, holding him to my chest. I closed my eyes, why did this have to feel so right? Why did I have to enjoy the thought of holding him like this? Why couldn't I just not feel these feelings? That would make things so much easier, so much less painful. But I already knew that was out of the question. I couldn't stop it now.

I continued with my rambling thoughts for a while, until I heard a quite choking sound coming from below me. It was Ichigo, who was still collapsed in my chest, now quietly sobbing.

"Ichigo? What's wrong?" I asked him timidly, not use to seeing him like this. He was normally so strong, even in the worst of times. Seeing him cry was unusual and was frightening me a little.

He looked up towards me, tears brimming in his eyes.

"I-I thought I would never see you again..." he said, nuzzling his face into my shoulder once more.

I blinked in confusion, why would he shed tears over me?

I let it go, saying to myself that it was just him being over emotional because of the war we had just gone through. My heart twinged painfully, but I knew that his feelings and mine were completely different.

So instead I faked a grin at him and said with a light, fake chuckle. "You really thought you could get rid of me that easily?"

He looked at me again, frowning slightly.

"I just thought...I was so worried that...cause you..." he stuttered incoherently, before falling to the ground. I bent down beside him, worry etched on my face, as he continued to sob silently.

"Shh, were okay, were safe now." I said, trying to comfort him. While at the same time attempting to clear my thoughts.

What was Ichigo saying? Why would he worry about me? It was all very confusing, but I knew that I mustn't allow my feelings get in the way of what Ichigo was saying. Right now he was hurt and scared, and wanted me, his _friend _to help him. That was all.

He looked up at me once more, he sobs quieting but the tears still running freely down his face. He smiled at me meekly, attempting to stop his tears. I dried them with the back of my hand, trying to comfort him once more.

It seemed to have worked, for he sniffed away the last of his tears, and looked up at me, smiling a genuine smile. He had a slightly hesitant look on his face for reasons I couldn't explain. Then he did something I hadn't expected in a million years.

He suddenly lunged forwards towards me, breaking the distance between are faces and crushing his lips to mine. My eyes widened in surprise as a million thoughts raced through my mind.

On one side of me, my heart was singing with joy. But the logical part of my brain was whizzing questions through my head. What was Ichigo doing? Why was he kissing me? I stood there frozen in shock, not pulling him away, but not kissing him back either. I just stood there.

He seemed to have suddenly realized what he was doing, stopping suddenly and looking away from me. His face flushing deep red and the tears reappearing in his all ready red eyes.

"I'm sorry...I don't know what I was thinking....I just..." he said, stuttering again in worry and confusion. I continued to stare at him with a mildly shocked and puzzled look on my face.

I heard him sigh and take one long deep breath before explaining, in a more controlled voice.

"Renji, I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have. It was just that, the thought that I had lost you for good. To consider the thought that I'd never see you again. When I saw you standing there next to me, my emotions just lost control." He said, looking up at me with an apologetic look on his face.

"The truth is that, I love you, Renji. I never told you, but it's true, my life is so empty without you. But I know you don't feel those feeling towards me, and it was wrong to kiss you like that. But the thought of losing you without you knowing, it killed me inside, and when I saw you again. I was so overwhelmed I just..."

He turned away from me again, the tears once again flowing freely from his face. Quite, low sobs coming from his chest. I took a moment to realize what had just happened.

I couldn't believe it. The thought that Ichigo actually shared my feelings, was unimaginable and completely overwhelming. Once I had come to term with what had happened, I smiled to myself lightly. I place one of my fingers on his chin and turned his head up to face me.

lowered my head, closing the distance between us once more. I kissed away the tears on his face, before pressing my lips to his. It was him this time that was stunned and frozen in shock. He quickly recovered and began kissing me back, light and soft.

I pulled away and looked him in the face.

"Ichigo...don't cry...Ichigo, I love you. I have _always_ loved you, even before I knew it. I can't live without you; you are my reason for life. "I said softly in his ear.

"I-I what?" He said, his voice filled with confusion as I continued to look him in eyes.

"You don't have to say those things, I understand, I'm fine....I just needed you to know."

My heart broke at his words. Did he really think I was lying? Think that I could live without him, that I didn't love him just as much as he loved me, If not more?

I wrapped my arms around his back and pulling him back towards me. Once again forcing his lips to mine.

I opened my mouth slightly, running my tongue lightly across his bottom lip. Causing him to gasp in surprise, his lips parting as the sound escaped his mouth.

I took advantage of this and let my tongue trail the inside of his mouth. Tasting the crisp taste of him on my tongue as it grated across the side of the inside of his mouth.

I felt his tongue clash with mine, battling me for the upper hand. Obviously not willing to simply hand over dominance without a fight.

He fought with me like this for a few moments before giving up, and letting me have my way. I gave a small smile and chuckled victoriously.

I continued to kiss him like this, letting him see the truth in my words through my actions, showing him that i had meant every word i had said about him.

His hands crawled up my back, reaching the top of my neck and wringing his fingers through my long hair, letting his fingers knot through the long red strands. My hands which were still holding him by his back, pulled him closer towards me.

We broke from the kiss, and he looked up at me smiling. I smiled back at him and pulled him in towards my chest, wrapping my arms around him and grasping him in a hug.

I held him tightly, letting his soft hair brush against my face. I inhaled deeply, letting his scent waft through my nose.

Locking the scent into my memory, the soft and crisp almost spicy scent, that matched the taste of his tongue. mixed with the well-know scent of sweat and dirt. It was strange and unusual, but I loved it.

"I'll never let you leave me again; I can't stand to lose you." I whispered lightly in his ear, kissing his neck softly.

"I already thought I lost you once, and it killed me inside, please don't let me feel that pain again." I pleaded to him, for the first time a single glistening tear sliding down my face.

He kissed it away before responding "I'm not going anywhere Renji, as long as you want me, I'm here." He nuzzled his face into my shoulder once more, sighing contently.

We sat there for a few moments longer, holding each other close, before I stood up and told him "we should probably find a way back to the others...we've got a lot to tell them..."

He stood up as well before asking me "Are we going to tell them about..." he said, motioning with his finger between the two of us.

"I think that can wait till another day, right now I want it to be our secret, for only us too know" he nodded in agreement. Before adding a few moments later

"Although, knowing Rukia and Orihime, they'll know by then end of the month."

I smiled at the thought of this, what would Rukia think? I hoped she would be okay with it, but right now I couldn't worry about that.

As we walk away from the barren wasteland, a cruel reminder of the dreaded war. All I could think about was the fact that Ichigo was safe, and by some miracle, he loved me, and was mine. Everything else could wait.

End

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End file.
